Somewhere over the rainbow...

This day was a total descent from one end of the spectrum to the other. White to black. Light to dark. However you want to describe it. And I am sitting here- proud of myself that I could stop crying... And you know what did it? A stupid song that I probably haven't heard in years...

Somewhere over the rainbow- Judy Garland.

Somewhere over the rainbow, way up high

there's a land that I heard of once in a lullaby

Somewhere over the rainbow, skies are blue

And the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true

Someday I'll wish upon a star and wake up where the clouds are far behind me

where troubles melt like lemon drops away above the chimney tops

that's where you'll find me

somewhere over the rainbow, blue birds fly

birds fly over the rainbow, why then, oh why can't I?

If happy little blue birds fly beyond the rainbow,

why, oh why, can't I?

That song is a blend of the weirdest lyrical dissonance.

I was singing it to myself, humming it. And it seemed kind of inspirational at first. I don't know why it popped into my head. Or why it made me feel better. I don't know if I should be happy she realizes that her situation will be over soon. She knows she should just hang in there and one day, when the time is right, it'll be over. Or should I feel really sad for her that she is so delusional to think that she'll magically be lifted away to a place where she has no problems.

Anyway, that a long with my list of horrible things during deployment, which I put to twangy country riffs in my head, made me feel like giggling and luckily a bit more inspired.

What am I saying? I am totally depressed right now.

I didn't have a half bad day at work today. I got there on time. I had decent calls. Nobody really ticked me off. I dressed up a bit even so I felt kind of good about myself. Best of all, I got to skype (visual only because the audio connection was messed up) with my hubby during my 15 minute break. Princess and Bruiser actually slept the whole night last night in their own beds! Who knew all it took was a bit of cleaning and rearranging? I still didn't sleep very well.
Since I left work, Bruiser fell outside of the daycare and scratched her arm. Her elbow or "elmo" as she calls it. :) Pinky fell sometime during daycare today and has a red mark on the tip of her nose. I let them play outside while I got dinner ready at home (nice weather) and Princess came in with a scraped elbow. When I got home, I also saw that the list of chores I gave the girls to do wasn't done. They have somehow broken the arm that goes in the door of the fridge to hold condiments, etc in. I realized I forgot to take out something for dinner so we had hot dogs, chips and pork-n-beans. I couldn't get Princess and Bruiser to go to sleep in their beds until about 10 minutes ago and who knows if they'll stay there. The DVR cable box in my bedroom isn't working and the season of LOST I was recording to watch with hubby is stored on it. They are telling me I need to bring it in and swap it out but I would lose everything I have recorded, including foot ball games and stuff I was saving for hubby to watch. That was kind of the straw that broke the camel's back. A friend of mine said it was probably a metaphor of all the memories I wanted to share with hubby when he came home. Nail half way on the head. It just really upset me. I am sure this evening was a build up of events that caused the volcano to erupt but that one really upset me. Now I have to use my Friday afternoon off to wait for the cable guy to come and see what's wrong with the stupid thing.
I have been opting out of overtime at work everyday. I have so much to do at home, it's better for me to get out of there as soon as possible. I started thinking today, I should probably be working all the overtime I can to save some money. But it doesn't matter. There will be plenty of time for that, I am sure.
What has really been nagging at me is the trip to greet my hubby and spend the 96 hours of leave with him. I am running out of options. My brother and his girlfriend of many years (I have always called her sister-in-law) are getting married the same weekend we are expecting him to have part of his leave. So they can't keep the kids and I am going to miss the wedding. My Mom is being totally unreliable. I am afraid to ask hubby's cousin cause she bailed on just babysitting for me for a couple of hours a couple weeks ago without even calling to cancel. I didn't hear back yet from mother-in-law. I don't care. I will pack everyone up if necessary and we will go.
I am so tired. So very tired. I am considering going to see my psych and seeing if I can get some kind of stress leave. I just need some time during the day to get stuff done with no kids or job- some of that "stuff" is napping. I am trying to prepare the house for hubby coming home and every time I take a step forward, something pushes me back 2 steps. And as Jack Bauer says during every crisis, "we're running out of time!"
I have become kind of lackadaisical about things like our budget. I feel like there is so much to keep up with. And there is. I am still shocked and amazed that I have keep the household going and kept everyone alive and in one piece. I however don't feel like a hero. I can't get past this feeling of failure or disappointment. I know I have done as close to the best as I could do. I know I haven't had much physical help. Lot's of well wishes and kind thoughts- but those only boost you up so far... I just feel like I could have done better. It's so easy to count your blessings or remember what is positive in your life. But, it's like I'm in an ocean of negative and I have this one little floaty filled with positive air... That thing's gonna deflate any minute and I will be in a sink or swim situation... And oceans are mighty big and mighty deep...

I don't know what hubby will do when he gets back. I am sure we will figure out everything. We always have.
This deployment has reminded me of that movie, the Wizard of Oz. It's been like a tornado has totally thrown my home into disarray since hubby left. I have been on a weird journey ever since. I am going to have to follow the yellow brick road, like Dorothy and her friends.
I must find my courage like the lion... I know that I am brave. I have almost flown through a whole 2nd deployment with 6 little ones under my wings. Someone keep reminding me of this bravery though, please... I tend to forget...
I must be patient until I find my heart... I know where my heart is. Half a world away... It will be home soon.
And if I only had a brain... I know I am smart enough to do this. I have been managing a household this whole time and I can't stop now... Right?
Do I really need to see the wizard? Or if I click my heels, will I realize I have been able to go home the whole time. My hubby is with me in spirit. I know my children love me. Isn't that all I need?
Well, in the meantime... I can wish upon a star and wake up where the clouds are behind me. And my dreams will come true. I can't wait to be over the rainbow so I can wrap my arms around you and tell you how much I love you, hubby.