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Wednesday, May 19, 2010

I hate obsessing compulsively over my OCD...

I am in heaven and just can't accept it...

I am going through a really bad case of OCD right now. I have been diagnosed with mild OCD (did you know you can have it mildly?) in the past. During the time hubby was gone on active duty after the twins were born.

It rears its head now and then. Currently, it's manifesting itself not only in a mental capacity, but physical as well. I scrubbed my face so hard on Tuesday night, I broke my skin... Go figure. It just felt greasy. What can I say? So I have a beautiful scar on my chin from 'self abuse' as hubby calls it. I had been wanting to organize my movie case for a long time. The other night I sat down and put about 130 DVDs into a travel carry case after removing them from their plastic protective covers. You have no idea how hard it was to keep myself from wanting to go back through all 130 cases to make sure I'd gotten the movies out.

The counting is back. I can't stand odd numbers. If I pay for something, I've gotta keep change on hand so I can pay the fee exactly. When I work out, I have to have an even number of calories burned or miles, etc. I think I am really trying to accommodate for not having enough to do. I am so lucky. My hubby has totally taken over the household duties. I have only had to fold clothes. He has the girls back on track with cleaning off the table and sweeping the floor immediately after dinner where as I had to yell and scream at them to do it and sometimes ended up doing it myself just for the peace of mind. I don't know why I don't get the same respect.

The kids are really enjoying him being home. The little ones get their regular hugs and tickles and silliness. I love to see that. They seem very happy. My hubby tells me I am beautiful or sexy every single day. Our "romantic" life is amazing. Outside of not having as much privacy as we want with all the kids around, it's great. He took my hand the other night, pulled me away from my laundry duties, and danced with me in the living room for a long while. He's so sweet to me. I feel tremendously blessed. But... I just can't get my mental shit together.

I know it will get better. I will let go of this pent up stress or whatever it is soon. I have to. My minor OCD is stuff like triple checking to see if the car doors are closed or doors are locked or appliances are turned off. Things like that are annoying but manageable. But it's getting bad right now. It makes it hard to concentrate on what's really important.

We are trying to figure out what to do with hubby. He wants to put in a package for recruiter. He wants to go to school full time. We want a lot of things for our home. He has a lot of financial/business needs to take care of on his own, now that he's back. I haven't even begun to worry about our finances yet. I got paid yesterday and didn't even know it was payday. Odd that is one thing I haven't been obsessing about. I used to balance my check book daily... Now it's just a couple times a week. I think that may be because I am not ready to stress over the finances. LOL. One thing at a time, please!

It poured down rain on Monday. So we didn't get to go work out. But last Thursday, the girls and I went to a dance class at the Y. On Saturday AM, we went back and worked out. Then on Tuesday and Wednesday of this week, we went to work out. My hips are killing me. I am so very proud of myself though. My hamstrings are a bit sore too. The dance class was so much fun. Our instructor is a trained dancer named Sue. It was a full hour of movement- cardio, stretching, lunges, all disguised as dancing. I am hoping I can get off work in time to go again today. My other work outs have been a mixture of the elliptical and weights. I really am hoping we get to do our family vacation the first week of August and that I am in great beach shape by then.

We are having a food in today to celebrate the May birthdays at work. That was nice. This office has such bad morale. I hate being in a retention office. Att is all about sales, no matter what. But our callers are people who are suspended and behind on payments or complaining about the costs of our services. I really just want to tell all of them, LOOK! We all have problems! You don't see me calling all my utility providers to haggle with them on their prices! What don't these people get about the fact that their service has a price and if they don't want to pay it, go somewhere else! I know that's the wrong attitude, but day in and day out. UGH! So depressingly frustrating! Or frustratingly depressing. However you word it, I am daily embracing all kinds of suck.

It would be a great dream if Stephen found a job paying as much as mine and I could go to nursing school. I would switch places with him in a heart beat. We have no gender-role confusion going on in our house. I have no problem with going to work and earning the money as long as hubby is home taking care of the kids and the house. He's better at the household stuff than I am anyway! We want to keep the kids in daycare until the end of the school year, which is going to totally tap us. But they love it and it will give him time to finish his to-do list of household repairs and business issues. He's already fixed so much! Loving my honey being home.

Well, guess I better go eat some of this stuff. Praying the rest of the work day is swift and merciful. I am ready to be home with my family!

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