Today I was deep in the domestic suck!

It started off ok. Left house at about 7:15 AM. That's the earliest I have left in a while. Thought I was on the right track for having a good day. Our revenue goal is 250.00 per day. I ended with about 221.00. Stan still found it necessary to point out that I had no wireless, yet again. My body is sore. From the weights I'm sure. That's to be expected but today was not a good day for it. I was able to use my lunch to sit down at the PC at work and log into our bills to see what we owed. That was a fun filled break from work. But no way I can find time to do it at home. My brother calls me to ask to borrow money til Friday. Like I freaking can support his family and mine. I loaned him some money. He has helped me watch the kids and with the tire, but geez! And I left a voice mail for the guy with that subsidy place for childcare and still haven't gotten a response to it or to my previous emails.
I was writing a letter to my hubby at work most of the day. It was kind of slow. Hopefully I will finish it in the next couple of days to go into his care package. They cancelled our mandatory OT, so I decided to catch the 4:30 showing of Saw VI. It was the only thing that let out in time to get the kids from daycare.
I was so prepared for this day. I put all the ingredients for a roast in crock pot last night. Put in fridge and started it this morning. All I had to do was make the rice and cornbread. That was nice. Everyone woke up in a good mood except for Bubba. I guess he wasn't feeling all that well or maybe he was just still sleepy cause he fell asleep in the car on the way to the daycare. I mean, it was going so smoothly! I was literally happy most of the day. A bit annoyed by Stan's comment, but other than that, a good day.... To a point.
Then, literally as I am leaving the theatre, L calls to tell me she has some news I am not going to like... I'm like, WHAT IS IT. She says she is not going to tell me til I get home. That pissed me off. So I am steaming the whole way to get the kids. I am yelling at Sheridan to put on her blankety blank seat belt. Don't need another ticket for that crap, nor any accidents without it, I have to pull over 2x to get her buckled back in cause she wants to take it off. When I get home, the news is that one of the little kids has cut the wires that connect the drums on the Guitar Hero game.
I went through the roof. First of all, I looked around. The house was a total mess. It wasn't super clean, but it looked like freaking Dorothy was on her way to Oz (a tornado) and I was the wicked witch. Oh I wished somebody would've dropped a house on me. I went ballistic. First of all, why are you trying to play a game with this mess everywhere! Secondly, I told Cici to put the drumset back in the garage yesterday after they played with it. Thirdly, why did L call me and scare the crap out of me! I yelled and screamed and what was so bad was I really felt like I was a bit out of control. I went into the garage, closed the door and punched the SAMS club megasize multipack of paper towels until I felt better. Yes, I did that. In private.
I don't want to scare you. I wasn't Andrea Yates, "it's time for a bath, kids" out of control. I just felt totally defeated. I don't know where it came from. Maybe I had been stuffing this down for the past couple of weeks. I would NEVER hurt our kids, hubby. So, I am handling it. It was purely an emotional mini breakdown. I thought I needed a break. I kind of felt myself going into that stage where I know I am about to be BLUE, that's why I thought the quiet, dark of the movie theatre would just give me that bit of time I needed for me. But no such luck after all.
I felt so tired all of a sudden. Now I do feel blue. I need something. I need my husband to help me keep my ducks in a row. After I punched the paper towels about 5 or 6 times, I just sat there and cried. I mean I bawled. I was sooo pissed off about that drum set. You know that was MY instrument. As if I'd ever have time to play! But now I have to fix them or replace them. Another freaking thing to do. More time, more gas, more money. UGH.
The twins were pretty calm this evening. Thank goodness! Bruiser and Princess were clingy and fighting with each other all evening. We ate dinner. I did give everyone a bath. Twins went to bed no problems and I am still as we speak trying to get Bruiser and Princess to shut up and go to sleep. Bruiser is trying to climb on my lap and I am making her sit on the floor next to me since she keeps getting out of the bed and she is just sitting there crying. I am doing a really good job of tuning her out right now.
No tv tonight in the whole house. Cici and Elliebear are grounded from anything electronic until further notice. Then I discovered my underwear drawer had been rifled through. Elliebear brought me some "personal items" and said they were on my floor. The Christmas gifts that were neatly tucked away in their bags underneath my unmentionables were opened and shifted all around. L of course blamed Bruiser and Princess. I was pretty ticked about that.
Tonight nothing but this blog is getting done. I swept the kitchen floor and rinsed the dishes. I did do one load of clothes. But that's it. Brother came over to pick up his money. And I am going to bed as soon as I am done with this. My body is tired. My head hurts. My eyes hurt. My mind is in a million different corners of the universe. And my heart is in the middle east. I quite literally feel like I am broken into different pieces or incomplete somehow.
I ran out of my medication. It may be time to reup on it. I am experiencing a chemical imbalance or something. I don't like it. I am recognizing it. When I go for my annual exam, Dec 4, I will talk to my doc and get a new script.
I talked to hubby's brother tonight too. One of the kids accidentally dialed his number on my cell phone. So while he had me there, he asked me if we were coming to Thanksgiving dinner. What a day to ask. I told him yes. He asked me if I was bringing my mother. Last person I would think of inviting. I'm sure she has plans with her manfriend or my side of the family. And this feeling came over me as though I would be imposing by showing up. I just don't feel in the mood to give thanks or celebrate or visit or anything right now. I am supposed to go to that FRG family potluck this weekend. I have committed but... Today, I would be a liar if I said I was happy about going.
Bruiser has finally given up. She and Princess are both asleep. It took only 30 minutes of letting her cry. Oh, my cousin with the shop, and his wife, had their baby girl at about 3 AM on Sunday. I am still sick so I didn't go to the hospital to see her. They named her Serenity. Congrats to them, they miscarried the last one. Blessings and love to them. My brother said his oldest son's football team made it to the playoffs. So he invited me to the game. Sorry. Already committed to FRG potluck at same time. And I am not up for sitting outside with the kids.
I am going to have to rake leaves sometime. I want to take a vacation day so bad and just totally spoil myself. Get my hair done. Have a pedicure. I look like crap. I feel like crap. I am just craptastic. At least I am in love and I know I am loved in return. That helps.
I am walking on the dark side of the sun.
Trying to see the light that's right in front of me.
Needing to step lively to avoid getting burned.
Wanting to feel the heat that surrounds me.
It's so cold and lonely in the shadow and fog.
As I dream of seeing the bright side of things.
And on that note, I'm outta here! Until tomorrow... Much love to you hubby!