I don't know... maybe I'm angry???

I am drawing blanks today. I don't know... I just don't know...
I will try my best to recap the events of this day and if anything else comes to mind, jot that down as well... But, I just don't know.
Got to work on time. Yay...
It was a crappy day. I can't stand that place. But I do it for my family. That was my mantra today... "I do it for my family" - repeated over and over again.
My cousin, Sharolynne called me today. She is sending me an invitation to Tim's going away party. He is her husband, in the army and going to Iraq. Leaves Sunday. Just finished training @ Fort Bliss in El Paso. Saturday is the party. At 8 PM. They are having it at some joint in Fort Worth. Am I in the partying mood after the week I had? No. Do I feel like socializing? Not really. But it's my cousin. It's family. So will I go? Possibly. Her little girl is going to stay home with my other cousin's 2 daughters, who are CiCi and Ellie's ages. So it was suggested that I bring all the kids there and the 4 of them watch the 5 little ones for a few hours. Maybe. We'll see...
I am angry. I haven't heard from the husband all day today. I know its not his fault. I know it was forewarned that the everyday ,calls would be ending soon. But at the time I most needed to hear that angelic sound, my sweet husband's voice, the most beautiful music to my ears, I can't. So I am angry.
I am angry that I am not going to the fair tomorrow. Instead, on a day that is sure to have beautiful weather, I will be stuck in my 'cubicell', imprisoned for 8 hours, talking to a bunch of cheap freaks...
I am angry that Bruiser and Princess won't sleep in their beds. I am angry that there aren't enough hours in the day and that the days aren't passing fast enough. I am angry that I can't seem to keep up with my chores on top of my job. I am angry that Elliebear blatantly disregarded my instructions today about coming home from playing with Hannah at a certain time.
I am glad, however, that I made it to the base. Picked up 4 boxes of the AAFES brand diapers. They are really good diapers and cheaper than the ones I have been getting. Wish I would've started buying them sooner. I will now be stocked up. I have to give some to the daycare tomorrow.
I am glad the little kids had a good day at school. Everyone was happy when I picked them up. Cici was complaining about her back and shoulders because she has such a far walk with her backpack. It's just like the one the kid from Zits carries. :)
I am glad I got some Christmas stuff to put away. I got Pinky a little doll that sings I'm a little Teapot when you press her tummy. I got 3 barbie dolls for bruiser and princess to share, a set of dishes for them to share, got bruiser a radio flyer tricycle, per hubby's request. Got Bubba a little "wagon" full of blocks he can pull around. I am tired of him pushing the trashcans around and throwing things that aren't trash into them. I got Princess a Vtech toy that lets her write her alphabet and what not... And the Monsters VS Aliens movie on Bluray. I think that's it. But Christmas is right around the corner. Gotta put stuff away now.
I made spaghetti for dinner with peas. Simple meal. Time was short this evening. It's just after midnight... I can't think of anything else to say. I don't have any deep thoughts. I don't have any clever metaphors. I am so tired that my bags under my eyes hurt. Oh and I found another gray hair on my head today.
Did I mention I was tired?
Oh yeah, and I'm tired.
Well, tomorrow will hopefully be a bit brighter. I am glad it's Thursday. Almost the weekend. I can make it! I think I can, I think I can...
I am going to try to get some sleep.
I want to wake up refreshed but if I keep going to bed at midnight each night, it so ain't happening. Gotta get up at 6 each AM.
And if you can read this hubby... I am OK but I need to hear your voice. I miss you. I love you. That I do know. With all my heart.

Stop this crazy thing! I want off!

Today I wandered through the strangest emotional amusement park. I saw the sites and rode the rides. And it's about as close to the state fair as I may get... I was on this roller coaster today that I hate. No robot mode, no numb, and we went from a very pale to a very deep shade of blue...
It all started off well enough. I got up, got everyone ready for school. No problems. We made it in plenty of time. That fortunately has been the norm, so far. Got to work and unfortunately wasn't having the best sales day. I have had some decent days lately. But today, I ended with 35.00 in revenue. That isn't even a drop of food coloring in the cake.
The absolute highlight of my day was talking to the husband for about 45 minutes while on my lunch break. That was the longest conversation we have had since he's been gone. And I was totally happy. Regardless of the shitty sales and the crabby customers. Regardless of all the financial concerns I may have. Regardless of the worrying about Ellie and Cici getting home from school with them walking now. I scheduled Oct 1, this Thursday as a vacation day so I could go to the fair with a group of Seabee wives. Been looking forward to it. New faces, adult faces... people who could semi-relate to what I may be going through... Nothing was going to bring me down, until...
Micheal Thompson, the attendance manager had a meeting with me. Buckle up. We are about to go through some twists and turns on this ride. And get your paint brushes ready for that darker shade of blue... He tells me that since FMLA and disability run concurrently, and I "exhausted my 480 hours of FMLA" as of 08-17-09, all other hours I missed, including my half days were considered an occurence, even though they were covered under disability. Since disability doesn't protect your attendance, I got put on a 6 month step of discipline called a PN... Performance Notice. Basically means if I am late or call in even once between now and 03-29-09, I will go to the next step of discipline which can lead up to dismissal! Well, that did it. All those human feelings I had been trying so hard to harness into a little box came flooding out. I held it together til after the meeting, but once I left his office, there went the waterworks.
Six months of on time and every day! What if the kids get sick? What if there's traffic? What if I have car trouble? What if, what if, what if? It's a lot to shoulder right now. Six months is a long time. It just made me do the math on how long hubby will be gone. It's a long time.
So my afternoon was ruined. That cloud I was on dissapated and turned to mist. And I was falling. I don't know if anyone has ever claimed to be able to feel gravity before but I certainly do. That plummet was so unexpected and so unneeded at this moment, I can't even explain it to anyone. It made my day heavy. It made my head feel heavy. It made my heart feel heavy. As though all the force of gravity in the universe was solely focused on me. I couldn't pull myself up from it.
So I let the tears come. I did my job to the best of my ability. Hopefully I can turn on robot mode again tomorrow and get through the day or at least be numb about it. Again, anything is better than blue...
I did go to base today after work. Still trying to work on Christmas. Found out the Star card promo was actually no interest til Feb but no payments for 3 months. So, I was bummed out about that. I did get CiCi a Nintendo DSi. That is the new version that has the camera built in. Instead of getting her a digital camera and replacing the Nintendo that Bruiser and Princess broke, she kinda has both built into one. They only had one left. So I will have to check back again or, better yet, decide if I think Ellie is responsible enough for a new one. Hers has been destroyed too by her little sisters. If they get any more in, I may get her one later. But the no pay/no interest is only through 10-01-09 so I am glad I found that one today. I got there just before closing so I didn't get to go to the other little store to look at the toys. I just found out that they had them there today and it was too late. So I may not have to order from the catalog after all. I am going to attempt to check it out tomorrow after work again.
Ellie had a good day. She was super talkative when I got home. Cici slept all night. I guess that walk in the afternoon is kicking her butt. I brought home fried chicken, mashed potatoes and fried okra for dinner. Didn't feel like cooking. I decided I am not doing anything tonight. I just don't feel like it. No laundry, no chores... nothing... I just want to sink into the nothingness for a while. I am just going to let gravity pull me down into a deep sleep and hope that I can feel a bit lighter in the morning...
It's times like these I need my husband to be a total goof about something that is truly bothering me so that I can see how much I make mountains out of molehills... Sometimes that works... Right now, it wouldn't hurt for him to try. My eyes hurt. They are tired. And so is my body. Muscle relaxers, here I come! Tomorrow I will cancel my vacation day for Thursday and I have told the ladies I am not going to the fair. They say they may go again on Saturday but I just don't know right now if I will be in the mood. Gotta save the vacation days for emergencies now... No fun stuff for me!
Bruiser has been singing all night... "Na na na na, na na na na, hey hey hey, goodbye" and it's so cute. Last week it was "twinkle twinkle little star". But right now I am getting really frustrated because she won't go to bed. Defiant is not cute right now. And the princess has been hitting bruiser and the twins all evening. I don't know what her deal is. I am so sleepy and so tired right now. So I guess I will see where the next turn on this thing takes me tomorrow...

Robot Mode... Commence Then Cease...

Today was my first official full day back at work. The morning went amazingly smooth. Got everyone off to school and me to work with time to spare. I did forget to take something for lunch so I had to eat at McDonald's. The traffic was so bad I was afraid I would be late back from lunch. Stupid Cowboy's tailgaters! They started at freakin' noon! The cowboys won their first "new stadium" game tonight. 21-7 against Carolina Panthers.
Today was productive at work. Sales weren't bad. Customers weren't bad. Day went by fairly quickly. I still have this stupid cough, which makes it hard to talk on the phone all day, but cough drops and a cup of ice water and I managed.
Got off at 4:30. Got home a bit before 5. Elliebear called me to let m know she made it home OK. CiCi got home a few minutes after I did. She said she took a different route and it took longer than she thought. One of the neighborhood streets by the library... I told her to stick to the main road and watch for traffic. I hate to have to worry about her walking home so far.
I gave Ellie back her cell phone today since she'll be walking home. Told her no calls to waste minutes unless an emergency. And to call me from home phone when gets here to let me know she's safe. Same for CiCi.
When I got home, I started my soup. It was very good, by the way. Added egg noodles, a can of green beans and a can of carrots and chicken broth with water. Made peanut butter sandwiches with it and we were good. I went to pick up the kids at 6. Came home, fed everyone, bathed little ones. Twins went right to bed. Princess and Bruiser, another story. Still trying to get them to sleep as we speak. It's freaking almost midnight. I literally cleaned the kitchen, did laundry, cleaned up after the kids and picked up toys, etc from the time I got home from work (with the exception of the drive to the daycare) til 9 PM, at which point I forced myself to take a break. I am so tired.
I think I am going to take the vacation day and go to the fair. I have to keep my spirits up. I think if I am all work no play I will be a real bitch. JoBeth's Halloween party is on Oct 17Th. I so wish hubby could go with me again. I think I am going to wear the black "plastic" dress and buy some fangs and go vampire this year. Guess I can trust the girls for a couple of hours with the kids, especially if I can get them in bed before I leave.
Dawn Shulz (formerly Casler, who had the baby, the brunette- if you are reading this honey) said to tell you she asked about you and hello. Oh and if you remember Abbie, the manager... her 26 year old son died over the weekend from an asthma attack.
I must say I feel a bit better than I did yesterday. I did get an email from hubby today while at work. A phone call too, but I was on with a customer so I couldn't answer it. Did get a voicemail so I could technically say I heard honey's voice today but it just is not the same.
I will say as stated in a previous blog... I like numb better than sad or hurt or mad or any of those if I must choose. It makes it much easier for me to deal with this harsh reality. I did really well all day long of being partially oblivious to what was going on. Went into "robot mode", as I call it. Robot mode- ENGAGE! :) Got some stuff done. Didn't think about how tired I was or how much I hated doing it. Be it work or chores... Just did it and I was fine. Once I relaxed... It all changed. I whipped out that old color blue again. I was on facebook with some of the other wives chatting. About plans for the fair and also a separate chat session with one of them who gave me some information that, well... the timing was just impeccable for it. Not only that... I got a text from MM saying she signed up her boys for basketball and found cheer leading in Arlington for a reasonable rate. Hubby just told me in an email today to find out about a program for Elliebear to do cheer leading or something. The other wife, JW, told me about a website where they help military children get involved in extracurricular activities and will assist up to 500.00 for a program. Now what are the odds of that happening? Info that may be blessings from 2 sources on the day it was discussed. It just overwhelmed me, especially when I saw the info about the assistance. She also gave me a website for info on childcare assistance. So the tears came. Robot mode- DISENGAGE! :) It was just nice to feel some kind of relief about something. Not sadness or loneliness. Not frustration or anger. And I haven't checked out the info yet from either source to verify, but it was nice to just have good news...
And then, still while chatting, poor MM... Said she didn't think she could go to the fair and made the comment "I should know better than to think I can have a life" or something like that... And it just broke my heart... She said," it was just a stark reminder that she couldn't depend on anyone but herself"...
If only she knew how much I could relate. I thought about how not too long ago, after this deployment first started, hubby told me 'it was me and him against the world.' I don't or try not to consciously think things like,"I can't have a life". I don't want to resent my children. I just have to find other outlets. If I must do something while they are in school, so be it. It's worth it for my sanity. But I can also say, OK. I have these 6 sour lemons, let me add some vodka and make myself happy... :) Just kidding, we'll stick with lemonade. We go to the park. We go to McDonald's play land. We rent a movie or all go to one if necessary. We play the Wii. We play Guitar Hero. We walk the mall and ride that stupid carousel. I refuse to say I don't have a life. I chose those little monsters over being able to go out and party. And I genuinely find joy in their happiness. I love them dearly and I wouldn't change my life for the world. Sure I'd love to be able to, at the drop of a hat, spend time with my husband. I miss being able to go out and shoot pool with him. Go to a movie or out to eat- without seats for 8. Sure I'd love to go out with friends without feeling guilty the whole time that I have pawned my kids off on someone, just so I can have some fun. It's so hard for me to ask for help.
I can't dwell on things like that. It just isn't healthy. Think I learned that at Baylor last summer. :) I am still a work in progress. Never said I was perfect. But I am working on it, damn it! :)
So Robot mode works well for me. Just have to do it. Wind up and do it.
Oh and by the end of this blog... we have sleepage for all the kids. Time for Mommie to power down for the evening...

UGH!

Later that day...
Momma is still feeling blue. Momma's head still hurts. Momma still doesn't want to be bothered...
Events of the day...
More emails in the afternoon from husband. That was probably the highlight of my day. He said their phones were down so I didn't get to hear his voice... Had the captain's chicken (had to finish it from when the power went out), cornbread, salad and it was delicious! Made a carrot cake too. Bubba ate so well. Pinky did a good job too, but little man cleaned his plate. Princess and the bruiser messed around with their dinner. The rest of the chicken dish will turn into soup tomorrow. I am adding noodles to it.
We went to check the mail. Will be sending hubby a new sports illustrated soon. I also went to bank so that I can pay more bills. Yeah! And to the grocery store to pick up a few things. Autozone also checked out my fluids- everything but the transmission fluid. Said everything looked good.
Watched season premieres of Desperate Housewives and Dexter. They were both pretty good. Just wish it was quieter in the house. Cleaned and did laundry- again...
I am so very tired. Going to call it a night. So much to do tomorrow. And I'm going to be running on empty as it is. Let's hope tomorrow is not an UGH kind of day!

Well, It's Early Still...

This blog is coming a little bit early in the day. It's about 10 AM. The little kids have had cereal, yogurt and bananas. I am not ready to get in gear yet. I was fortunate to hear my blackberry email notification this morning at like 5 AM. It was Stephen sending me emails! So I was able to email back and forth with him a bit. It was a slow process but I was happy enough to read his witty remarks and get to "talk" to him. He said he was supposed to be working so the emails eventually stopped.
I went back to sleep for a bit and this time when I woke up, I just felt blue. I still feel blue. I have a little bit of a headache. I just don't feel like being bothered. My mom called this morning and wanted to check on us. Said she and Alton were laughing about some stuff the twins had done and decided to call.
I don't know if this is because I subconsciously am dreading going back to work full time. I am tired of all the kids being sick. I am tired of feeling like I am doing everything by myself around here. I know the girls contribute but they can do so much more. I want them to have some "childhood" time but I can't clean up after everyone.
I have so much to do. Too little time to do it in. That may be a good thing because keeping busy will help the time go by faster but maybe I am wearing myself down.
I guess we'll see how the rest of this day goes. It sure is a big change emotionally from yesterday because I feel like crying and nothing has even really happened to warrant it today. Oh yeah, I am not using my nuvaring right now. No need while hubby is gone. :) Just another way to work on the budget. I will start up again in the spring. I know he will be gone at least until then but we definitely don't need another child (or two, with our history of twins) right now. I brought that up because I was thinking maybe it was a hormonal thing... It's just really weird how I feel this way right now.
Well, here goes...

In the Dark on a Sunny Day

Woke up early this AM, like aro3:und 6 to find that I had missed a call from hubby at 3:57 AM. I was so upset that I slept through the phone ringing. Hubby left me a message saying someone's wife had hurt themself, the Grandma, and the kids in an accident cause she was texting and driving at the same time. He told me not to text and drive and to take care of myself and that he loved me. He did call me back later in the morning but I want every opportunity to speak with my love. He wouldn't tell me who the person was who had the accident. More secret squirrel...
We talked about Christmas gifts to possibly get the kids. Talked about the kids recent exploits. Talked about the weather, how much we missed each other and lots of little things. Just the sound of his voice... Ahhh...
I went to see Surrogates today. Had to get out of the house and away for a bit. It was ok. The power went out when I got home so we tried to open the windows but it started to get dark and hot... So we all went to the park. The captain's chicken I started this morning in the crockpot didnt get to finish cooking by the time everyone was hungry since no power, so we went to eat chinese food. I didn't want a hamburger at all, nothing "fast" food. I was in the mood for veggies and stuff. Since I couldn't have my captain's chicken, chinese food was awesome. And baby, if you are reading this, we got our names on the wall at the mongolian grill joint down the street. By the time we got home, the lights were back on. Gave kids a much needed bath and twins are down for the night. The rest of us are watching ET on cable. Family fun...
The weather here was beautiful today. Sunny. Not too hot, not too cold. Perfect weather. There was an ugly preying mantis on the car. I didn't realize they were in these parts. Bubba saw PacPac's gift outside an said "boo boo" so he learned a new word apparently. :)
All in all, except for the power outage, which was the whole culdesac as far as I know, it was a happy day.

A good good day...

First and foremost, it was Friday! Whew! No worries about daycare, school or work in the morning. The trash has been put out. I can sleep late.
Took kids to daycare. Cici stayed home sick. Ellie went to school and I made it to work. So I got paid instead of having to take appointment time. The kids all seem to be feeling much better. Still a bit of coughing and runny nose but not anywhere near as bad as before.
Secondly, I got to talk to my hubby today. For about the usual 20 minutes. All smiles when I talk to him. It was so nice to hear his voice.
We had a decent day. I didn't have a bad day at work. Not super productive, but not bad. I am trying to keep a positive attitude, though I am totally bored with/hate what I do. Well, I don't hate it, but I don't love it. I am just so tired of sales. Especially when the opportunities aren't plentiful in our department. Oh well, it's a job. Great pay and benefits. I work with a decent group of people. It's not so bad. And I must remember that.

After I got off, I went to see Pandorum. It was different. Not really what I was expecting. It had it's moments. Then I went home and got the girls and took them to see Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs in 3D. It was a really cute movie. I figured since it was my last day with afternoons free, I'd get them out of the house. It ended @ 6 and didn't have to get kids til 6:30 so it was perfect. They enjoyed it.

Went to grocery store. Came home and made breakfast for dinner. Grits, pancakes, eggs (with mushrooms, bellpeppers, tomatoes, cheddar cheese and onions), and bacon with OJ. It was sooo good. :) Just wanted to do something different today.

Kids had a bath, put to bed. And then there was just me...

Played on the new laptop for awhile. I keep changing the font size of the page on accident and it is driving me nuts. I just have to see how I can stop doing it with the mouse. I haven't figured out what's triggering it so I can stop doing it. I was chatting with MM on Facebook along with one of the other wives. I am so glad to know someone else going through this. It helps a lot. I am still deciding on taking the vacation day on Oct. 1 to go to the fair with some of them. Stephen told me to go for it, and I need to get out and be social. I really want to meet some other wives in person. And get involved... I think it will be good for me.

Well, guess I will try to fight this insomnia and get some sleep. I woke up at 5 AM, an hour before the alarm was scheduled and couldn't go back to sleep. And now I can't sleep. But regardless, it was a good, good day...

Sleep won't come soon enough...

It's 10 minutes after 12 and I am extremely sleepy. Went to bed last night after 3 AM. Got up and have been at it since 7:15 AM. Got to talk to hubby today. that is always a treat.
My employer's disability office called me today and said that she can only approve 2 weeks of the 8 weeks of no overtime the doctor requested. She said the rest of the time would be between me and my department. So maybe it was meant to be... Me back at that place all kinds of crazy hours... Oh well, we'll see how it goes.
Let's see. I have been cleaning all day. Taking care of business. After dropping girls off at school, went to get tags for truck. From there, came home, did more laundry, swept and mopped the kitchen. Made malt-o-meal for the kids first along with strawberry muffins. Then Cici's school called and said she was sick. So we went to pick her up after I got everyone cleaned up. That was at about 11 AM. Came home and cleaned some more. Talked to USAA insurance on the phone. Saved about 60.00 a month by making some adjustments to our coverage while hubby is deployed. They make special provisions for that. Talked to Tmobile. They can only see $15 of roaming charges from hubby's international calls but also since he has been calling me from one of those base transfer lines, (not mobile to mobile) I have gone over my minutes. I talked to a nice chic who bumped us up to the 1000 minute plan for only 10.00 more a month and made some suggestions that i want to talk to hubby about first. But the plan change will cover my overages and she gave me 200 bonus minutes just in case it happens again. I gotta start using the home phone more when I am here.
Also went to post office. Mailed off some bills. Gonna enroll in autopay for my capital one credit card. One less thing to remember to do, now I just have to remember to write it down in the check ledger. :) Went to base again. Shopping at AAFES. Got stuff for house with that no payments/interest thing so I can use my cash to catch up on some other stuff that I have totally been finagling. Went and got 500.00 from savings. I sure hated to do it but I am in a bind. It'll turn around soon enough. I spent 158.00 at the BX and got stuff like diapers, pullups, toilet paper, paper towels, a new mop, etc. I got halloween costumes for the little ones. Bubba is gonna be a "little monster"- a purple suit with a tail and teeth on the hat. It's hard to explain but really cute. Pinky is going to be a bumble bee, in honor of her daddy, the Seabee. :) Princess and Bruiser are going to be buttercup fairies. I got princess a purse that says "princess" on it and has the disney princesses on it (putting it away for Christmas). And I got her a long sleeve shirt. She doesnt have enough of those. I also filled up the car and put oil in it. Got some more medicines for the kids, motrin, cough and cold and sore throat stuff. It was all stuff we needed so...
The bruiser is still awake again... I cant get this kid to sleep at night to save my neck and she has had NO nap today! They are going to blow up the cowboy's stadium in Irving... turning it into a shopping center...
I let the kids play in my room while I cleaned up their mess in the living room and kitchen today and now it is destroyed. They pulled all my books off the shelves and took clothes out of the drawer. I really just wanted to sit down and cry but I am too tired.
Dasia called me again today and made me laugh. She is so funny. The kids are doing much better. Not totally healed up but much better. I am thinking daycare tomorrow! NO FEVER all day for the princess.
MM told me today she was mailing hubby a package. I don't know what's in it but I am totally curious to find out. That was sweet, I think... Guess it depends on what's in it... :) It is almost time to decorate for Halloween. I have to cut the grass again first. All that rain made it grow again. I got pizzas from Lil Caesars for dinner today. Too tired to cook anything...
And on that note, I'm outta here! Beddie bye for me!

Inhale, exhale, repeat

Well, today has been quite a day. I hope I don't say that everyday...
Let's see. Woke up this AM, Cici had sore throat, Ellie had headache, I needed to go to work and little ones needed to stay home since they are sick. Less exposure to the outside world the better. So Cici actually volunteered to stay home with them for me. Since I was only working 4 hours, that was perfect. I didn't have to use any vacation or appointment time. They seem to be feeling better so they will be going to school tomorrow. They didn't have fevers, only the princess today. And I took 4 hours vacation time for tomorrow AM. At least it's paid... But I have to be home with the kids. MM actually told me this evening she didn't mind watching sick kids if I had to go to work. She is an angel. You'd be glad to know she checks in with me everyday. That's nice for someone to do, especially when they are going through a similar ordeal, deployed husband, small kids at home. I set up 4 hrs appt time for Friday AM just incase princess' fever hasn't broken for 24 hrs straight. I will cancel it if she's all better.
It's currently 2:30 AM as I am typing this. Bubba is in there doing his head banging thing in the crib. Princess didn't go to bed til midnight and bruiser not til 12:30. Ellie is asleep on the couch and bruiser is in Ellie's bed. Princess actually is sleeping in her own bed tonight. can you believe it? That's not to say I won't have a visitor or 2 in the next couple hours though.
I had a pretty unproductive day at work. CPNI no all day, lots of collection calls. No real sales opportunities. I really want to try to make some smits, especially since after work I went to the doctor and he said no OT for next 8 weeks. I am happy about it. I think I need that couple hours before the little ones get home, plus I don't want to risk being late to pick them up. And I think it'll be better for my hand. So the pros outweigh the cons for sure. Only bad thing, no extra OT $ for Christmas. They will probably stop scheduling it soon anyway. I also got another cortizone shot in my left wrist. It hurt soooo bad the first few hours. I took some advil and right now I can still feel a twinge of discomfort but I guess it'll be better than the carpel tunnel in the next few days. Another reason I am glad to have the day off tomorrow... all the typing I have done today coupled with that shot... whew!
Dasia called me tonight with more tales of her dating life. She has a date with a new guy on Saturday. She is totally on this quest to find a husband. She realizes she's not getting any younger but she says she refuses to date anyone who can't provide for themselves and her... She's a trip.
Ok. I am using my new laptop. Thanks again, my dear wonderful husband. I am mobile! Well, sitting in the bed right now but it's pretty neat. I couldn't sleep while thinking about getting the bills under control so I have been doing online bill pay for the last hour or so and trying to figure out a budget... It's so ugly. ;) I am going to have to invade your savings account tomorrow. Sorry. I will give you details on that later...
I also went to the post office today to mail your blue box and your "care package". The box and tape and "peanut wrap" was 11.00 and the shipping for both boxes plus insurance on the care pkg box was 91.00. Geez Louise! 10-14 days and you'll be laptopping! Tomorrow I am going to get tags for the truck as well. They are up at end of month. Your mom said she was sending the sticker for her car in the mail too. Do I need to do anything with her car while you are gone, my love?
I was chatting online with VW and she told me her husband works for ATT. I couldn't remember which husband you said was an ATT employee. She was giving me a heads up on the Christmas party planning meeting which is 10-11-09 at 1 I believe and also a Seabee wives day at the State Fair. It would be so nice to go to the fair sans the kids for once. That outing is on 10-01-09 so it will depend on getting off work and I will have to see what I can do about the planning party.
I gotta tell you what Elliebear said to me today. Well, she said it under her breath, "I hate you" because I wouldn't let her use the phone. I have kinda been keeping you posted on our situation regarding that but her little rebellion thing is getting borderline out of control. I feel like totally treating her like someone she hates should treat her. So I am going to just stay out of her way. I have tried talking to her like a responsible, sensible person. I have tried spanking her. I have tried grounding her. I have tried exercising her but the effort just makes me tired. I am at the end of the rope with that girl.
I guess that was pretty much my day. Oh I used my vacuum cleaner for the first time. It seemed to do the trick pretty well. It's small and cheesy but we don't have that much carpet so I guess it'll serve it's purpose. It's a dirt devil so it should be reliable. And I finished setting up the laptop this evening. Got my Word 2007 downloaded to it. I did the Antivirus thing yesterday.
Remember to keep the battery off if you are using electricity to operate it and of course that is recommended to save battery life.
I can't wait for us to skype each other... I wanna see that beautiful face of yours. I'd give anything to see you smiling right about now.
I love you so much. And I am so glad I got 2 whole phone calls from you today! Thanks. It always helps me to have a better day when I can hear your voice... Wherever you are, whatever you are doing, remember that you are on my mind constantly, good thoughts all the time and you are soo soo loved, Mr. D.

what a day!

First, I had a hard time getting bruiser to sleep again. I was up off and on and at one point during the night, woke up to find both bruiser and the princess in bed with me again. I ended up waking up at 7:10 AM. Luckily there was appointment time available today. Not only cause I was running late, but Bubba and princess had fevers so they can't go to school anyway. So, I am sick of this coughing, fever, runny nose off and on crap. I am just going to suck it up and take them to the doctor. So I am missing out on 100.00 of pay and spending 80.00 bucks on the doctor. UGH! I can't wait for you to win the lottery! :)
Later that day...
Came home from doc, told you about outcome. Everyone on antibiotics. Princess' fever peaked at 103.3 and she was so miserable this evening. But then she perked up and was playing around so... Man, I hate my kids being sick.
Went to base and got your tshirts and filled up the van (that will be on star card bill next month). Found out when I got home while setting up laptops they do have mics built in so now I have to go take those stupid headsets back. I think everything else we needed. Princess and bruiser picked out their halloween costumes yesterday too. Buttercup fairies. Little yellow ones with wings and these halo things. Cute! By the time I got the tshirts and the box to mail your package in (from the Uhaul store), the post office was closed. So I am going to stick it in the mail tomorrow... or later today I should say since its almost 1 AM.
I took appointment time in the morning as well, just incase. Cici says her throat is sore so she can stay home with the princess.
It rained again today. Not for too long. I bought a really cool umbrella yesterday. One of those bubble kind so you are totally enveloped. I needed a good umbrella. Thanks for calling me today. Sorry we couldn't talk longer.
Elliebear decided to use the home phone while I was gone today. So guess who has the home number now. UGH. Anyway, other than that, I don't think today was too eventful.
I am going to try and get some sleep. I totally miss you! I love you. I can't wait to see your face- even if it's on scype! :) Oh and the girls want laptops now for Xmas... what do you think? I told them we'd see, but they won't get anything else.

New toys and your voice

Today has been good. I was sooo sleepy all day. The bruiser kept me up all night, in bed with me, coughing. So I had an awful night of sleep. I have dark circles under my eyes. Got everyone off today with no problems. Nothing I want to see at the movies. Well, there is but I can't watch any romantic comedies right now. Crazy, I know, but it would depress me. You are my romantic comedy and I can't have you.
Went to work. Manager was acting a total ass today. But it was obviously one of those trickle down days. I am doing what I am supposed to do, so I am not worried about it. From there, went and got star card. No payments, no interest til February. The sales lady was good. I trust her, I think... :) I went in expecting to come out with 2 inexpensive laptops and 2200.00 later, I have 2 Toshiba 5GB laptops, 2 heavy duty carrying satchels, 2 chill mats, a copy of Microsoft Office and kaspersky Internet security, and 2 logitech clearchat headsets (for the webcam), and two 2-year protection plans. Since it was my first purchase, I got 10% off too. So it was a good deal. I am happy about it. I think I am just too tired to celebrate.
One thing I am not too tired to celebrate is how happy I am to have been able to talk to you today! I must say hearing your voice makes my day complete! I love you, hubby!
I also got Bubba and Bruiser some new shoes, the princess and Bubba some jeans, and princes and bruiser some undershirts, and Cici and Ellie some underwear. I didn't find anything for Pinky that we really needed. I bought the Coraline movie too. Gonna put it away for Xmas. So now they have that one, the Hannah Montana movie, and Race to Witch Mountain. Now they want laptops, but if thats all they want for Xmas, maybe...
I got some mucinex for children. We'll see if that helps the bruiser sleep better. I tried to watch heroes but there was so much going on with dinner and the kids, I was totally lost so I just gave up on it. Maybe at the end of the season, I will just rent the dvds and watch it. Or maybe when I have time I will see if they have the premiere online.
Well, I am going to try to get this laptop ready to go out in the mail to you. I have to download the protection and Office. Did you know they were coming up with a new version of Microsoft called "7"? It is supposed to be a mix of the best of vista and the best of XP. We also got a free upgrade to that with our laptops but we have to mail in for it.
I love you more today than yesterday.

I love you, Mr. D

I love you farther than the moon, the stars and beyond
My love for you is hotter than the core of the sun
My love for you is deeper than any ocean or sea
My love for you is rooted, like the mighty redwood tree
My love for you is taller than the peak of any mount
My love for you is greater than my mind can even count
My love for you shines brighter than all the Vegas lights
My love for you is new each day, like a blind man gaining sight
My love for you is more pure than a baby just been born
My love for you, more beautiful than the sound of Gabriel's horn
You've been sent by the angels, just to make me whole
My love for you is eternal, in it I shan't grow old

Oh yeah, and the cowboys lost to NY 33 to 31.

And we're off!

Today marks day one... Officially!
I got a call from husband today at about noon. He was officially in the sandbox. It was about 9 PM there and he was about to go to bed. Was eating a quarter pounder... I still trip on the fact they have McDonald's there. We talked for a little over 18 minutes, @2.99 per minute on our cell phones. Honey, if you are reading this, it'll be cheaper for you to buy a laptop and do the scype thing with me!
Let's see. I spent the whole day, off and on, cleaning. As usual. Malt-o-meal breakfast, speggetti-o's for lunch. Oh and I made your bean soup and it was SOOOO good. Had it with some hamburger helper and cornbread. I added a can of carrots and half an onion, a can of cream of chicken soup, the ham, Navy beans, salt and pepper, a can of chicken broth and water. Yum! Great idea, honey. Laundry, cleaning up after the little ones after each meal. PacPac brought me a gift to the backdoor today... a frog carcus... Gotta love him...
The cable went out so I missed the first hour of the Cowboys game! I tried to hook up the converter box, the one I got specifically for that reason, and needed an actual antennae and the one in the attic was broken... so no luck with the converter box. Thank goodness the outage didnt last any longer.
I will be mailing you the Sunday comics and your Sports Illustrateds... as soon as you give me your address! I am ready to get the care packages rolling!
I went to the grocery store and to check the mail this afternoon. Trying Budweiser select light. only 55 calories and it doesnt taste half bad. :) cleaned the air vents as promised along with the ceiling fans. There's still so much to do but I just don't have the energy. Listened to L play the violin earlier. She is getting better. Little Guy's new nick name is Bubba. Bruiser said he was her "bubba" when she was trying to say brother. It just recently stuck... Pinky is still Pinky... They are both learning new words and becoming little "people" now.
Tomorrow new season of Heroes starts, next Sunday Desperate Housewives and Dexter, Thursday Grey's Anatomy and I started a new show last week called Vampire Diaries. I will certainly have plenty of TV to keep me company. I will try my best to watch it on the treadmill, that is if I can escape to the garage...
I heard from a friend that the space shuttle had to refuel on base today. Isn't that awesome?
So far, today has been ok. I held it together. I was happy to talk to my husband. I was relieved
to know I can officially begin my countdown. Soon this will be over and you will be home to me, my love!

walking on sunshine, running through rain

I got my first international phone call just after 9 PM tonight! Husband landed in Germany. Called me from cell phone. Bill is probably going to be a nightmare but his voice sounded like a dream. I was so happy to hear from you, baby! Said flight was 9 hours and he watched 3 movies off and on. Star Trek, which we had already seen. State of Play, which I want to see. And Night at the Museum 2, which I attempted to see at the drive in with the kids this summer. Didn't catch most of it from the commotion. But they enjoyed the outing. Ellie and Cici sat on top of the car while I sat inside with all the little ones... Sorry that airplane food gave you a bubbly tummy. Bet you are wishing for an MRE right about now, huh? LOL.
I was so freaking happy! MM sent me a text and told me that you let her hubby use phone to call her. I went to her son's football game today and by the time we got out of the house and made it there, the game was over. Her little girl is so precious. Even cuter than in all the photos I have seen. It was good to see her. She gave me the bracelet her husband made for me to wear til you get home. I think I will wear the one from last deployment on one arm and the new one on the other. Just cause I want you "doubly" home, "doubly" fast, and "doubly" safe. It's really pretty. I like it. Cheerleading with the North Texas Youth Football Association costs 250.00. Can't budget that right now. Will have to keep looking.
I went and bought a webcam and set up a skype account. Just hoping we can do some video chat sometime while you are gone, Mr. D. You would have loved this. We drove by these apartments on the way home today that had a guy dressed up as a CLOWN with a sign that said 99.00 move in special! I laughed! I just know they would've lost your business with that one!
I made pork chops for dinner. Forgot about your bean soup recipe. Will do it tomorrow.
Then, all hell broke loose. My precious titanium ring... I thought I lost it. I took it off when I was getting the kids out of the bath, lotion, soap, etc. And the bruiser got a hold of it since I didn't immediately put it back on. So I just knew it was down the drain. So I pitched a huge fit. Tears and ranting. I was so upset. I knew it was a flood of emotions that I had been bottling up. That was just the catalyst I needed to let that go. So my smiles turned to frowns.
I found it though. Well, Cici and Elliebear found it. Bruiser had taken it into their bedroom along with my deployment bracelets that I had taken off. And I had to explain to them, for the first time what I am really going through. I told them my heart was hurting. I told them that you are going into a dangerous situation. I told them I need them to be strong and it will help me be strong. I explained the importance of the ring to them. I told them I loved them. And I appologized for blowing up. Cici wanted to know why you would join the military anyway. So I told them that you were protecting your country. Cici said "well was he drafted or what?" (I think she was jabbing one in on you there, "old Rusty"...)And at that point I couldn't help but laugh. So she provided a huge ice breaker and I think we are ok now.
I have agreed to watch the Xmen movie with them. We are going to stay up late, have some popcorn, and just be as much of a family as we can in your absence. I love you, wonderful and brave husband of mine. I hope you call again soon to let me know you have made it safely to your destination. I am thinking of you and loving you from home...

I love the feel of numb in the morning...

Got a phone call this morning from my love. It was so wonderful to hear his voice, as always. He was preparing to leave so we didn't get to talk long but I will cherish and treasure that 2 minutes and 52 seconds. Thank you, honey, for calling me.
That was a little after 6. The bruiser and the Princess ended up in bed with me so I was on the edge and uncomfortable so I got up and took the trash out and now I can't go back to sleep. I must admit, I shed a few tears. Could've been worse. Or they may continue later. Too early to tell. Right now, I just feel kinda numb. This day is bittersweet. My man is going off to war. I know it must be done. I am so very proud of him for his bravery and sacrifice. But I hate it and I want it to end!
It's almost 8 AM. For some reason the times on these posts don't seem correct. I am going to get my ass in gear and start cleaning before the kids wake up, I guess. I am hoping the weather is good so I can attempt to get my deployment bracelet from MM today at her son's football game. That may be the outing for the kids today. I put PacPac outside- you know why! I hate that sweet and lovable dog! :) And he's out there barking at something now. Probably driving the neighbors crazy early on a Saturday morning!
I just got a text message from your mom, babe. She loves you so much. Let her know your status. As much as I know anyway. Well, duty calls. For both of us. I love you, Mr. D!

daughters, dances, daily duties and dreams

Today is Friday. That's a good thing. I made it through a week of work and I still have a job. One of my coworkers came back to work today after his like 5th surgery on his spine. I am shocked to see him up and about but his doctor told him he could stay home and die or go out and live. Wow. Walking miracle. He had to have bolts put into his neck and spine due to degenerative spinal disorder. I am so very blessed. Things in my life could be so much worse.
After work, went to see Jennifer's Body. Friggin' halarious. This week has been awesome with me getting a chance to go to the movies so much. It has really kept my spirits up. Thanks for the suggestion, Hubby! You were so right about taking advantage of this time I have.
Cici went to her first school dance tonight. *sigh, sniff, sniff *7th grade Homecoming/40th anniversary of their school. She was so cute. She is such a shy person, it was so sweet to see her friends come up and greet her with hugs. I am glad to see she is mingling with people instead of being a loner. She used to complain about not having any friends so she is truly blossoming. She said she did her "Velma" from Scooby Doo dance and they caught a picture of her for the year book. She is a really good kid, honey. She's struggling with math a bit already. She said she thinks she can pull her grade up. Progress reports showed everything else going well. I swear she's like me in that aspect. I was never a math-nerd either.
Elliebear can do the splits. She has a cheerleader friend at school who has been showing her moves and since Ellie's so flexible, she can do them no problem. It's just a matter of me finding somewhere for her to participate and the time to do it. I helped her with a t-shirt design for orchestra. She seems to be enjoying the violin. She said the teacher really liked our design but she has to make a decision and I guess we'll know Monday.
Went to Best Buy and got Xmen- Wolverine on Bluray. This will make up for that totally awful copy we saw before! :) Also got pizza for dinner. Totally burned out. Didn't feel like cooking. Yeah, I am spending more money than I should on entertainment and fast food but it's either that or my sanity. I am taking your advice, honey! Oh, the new seasons of Dexter and Desperate Housewives start on the 27th! I'm not sure about Lost or Heroes. Just wish you were here to enjoy them with me...
Did another load of laundry. I am going to have a cleaning session, yet again, in the morning. I tried to go to bed early tonight but I kept coughing so it was awful sleep so hopefully now that I have taken some sudafeds on top of the cough syrup, I can get some sleep. And the bruiser wont go to bed. She tossed and turned with me for a while but now she's sitting up with me.
I was hoping to hear your voice, my love. I know you were spending time with the fellas before you attempt to get out of here again, but I so wanted to talk to you again. Maybe you will call me.
I saw something I thought about participating in on the FRG website. Its a family walking program. You walk and log your miles kind of as a tribute to the unit. If the weather permits, I'd like to start back walking with the kids. I know it's about to get cold though so... We may just have to stick to the Y.
I had the weirdest dream last night. I dreamed that I took a trip to visit you again and that we bought a motorcycle. I was supposed to bring it home so we attached it to the back of the truck, but it kept falling off. So I had to leave it in this town, I don't know where... Anyway, I took a bus back to the town and then was driving the motorcycle home. What the heck? I will have to look up motorcycles in a dream book to see what that is supposed to mean!
Oh, I put oil in the truck today too. Just hope the weather isn't yucky this weekend. Going to try to enjoy my last short day week next week and stay positive. So far so good but right now, babe, I miss you and that is just a hole I'm digging a bit deeper each day.
I love you, my Seabee man!

deployment delayed, dangnabbit!

I am torn right now. I am glad my husband is still on US soil. I was able to talk to him and text him a few times today. However, my countdown has been delayed! I am so ready for this to get over and done with! Husband says not getting much sleep. Been awake with the exception of cat naps 36 hrs. Bless his huge heart. They got to watch some movies. Problems with their plane have delayed this whole thing. Not supposed to be leaving til Saturday now. UGH!
Work was work. When I got off, went to see Inglorious Basterds. Quinton Tarrintino is such a freak. But again, I had fun. Made a ham, green bean casserole, stuffing, & sweet potatoes for dinner. Double starches, Daddy! Peanut butter cookies for dessert. Paid for daycare for next week today. Man, that hurts! But the kids are learning and seem to be having fun. They are excited to go each day. The Princess has made a friend named Mia.
Had a bit of a headache today. And Mary has been super easy on me this time, love. Other than that, feeling pretty good. Feeling pretty positive. And tomorrow is a new day. Friday, I might add. :)
One of the other Seabee wives' husbands made me a new "deployment bracelet". I am going to attempt to pick it up on Saturday at her son's football game. Elliebear wants to enroll in some kind of one day cheerleading clinic but it conflicts with the appointment I have for the kids on 09-26-09. I want to find a way to make time/ extra $ to enroll them in some stuff. The major factor is time though. I want to take another class too this spring. But I am so worn out right now, I just cant imagine taking on anything else.
It didn't rain today but it got cool and it's still yucky outside. I pulled out the kids fall/winter stuff today. Gonna have to shop for some new stuff too. I want some hot chocolate but I am too lazy to make it. I think I will go to bed. All the kids are asleep for once. Better get some zzzs before the bruiser comes and joins me in the bed.
Much love to you husband. Wherever you are, wherever you may go, remember my heart is loving you. My mind is thinking of you. My soul is holding you. And my spirit is with you.

the deployment diet and a normal day

Today was not bad. Started with me getting a glimpse of myself naked before getting in the shower and oh my! I immediately got on the scales. Now I don't weigh myself frequently, maybe once a month. But out of vanity, I did it before going to visit the husband just about 2 weeks ago. And this morning I was 12 lbs short. And it came off in the right places, the gut area... :) So, without even trying I have managed to trim down. Gotta remember to eat mama, no matter how busy. It's been the running around after the kids and not being stuck in my cubicle 8 hrs plus I'm sure.

Today's events... Still raining. Got to talk to husband for 3 whole minutes this morning. Gonna call him up in a bit. Don't want to interrupt but I need to be selfish. Checked mail. Had a mission readiness package with lots of good info for our family during deployment. Treated myself to a movie. Halloween 2. Hee Hee Hee. That was fun. Picked up girls from school. Came home and cleaned, cleaned, cleaned. More laundry and the usual toy tornado aftermath. Picked up kids from daycare. Refused to let them destroy my clean kitchen so kids decided on CiCi's pizza for dinner. We got our pictures on the wall, honey! Do not serve these people! The kids make a total mess! Got kids home in one messy piece, baths and bed for them. I actually made it out in public with the kids and no tears all day!

No deep thinking today. Just know you are loved, my precious husband. We miss you so much! And now, we wait...

the 'love song' dedication and feeling positive

if you are familiar with 80's alternative music you may remember a little tune called Love Song by the Cure. I have always loved this song, but a few years ago it kind of became our theme song. Well, my personal theme song for our relationship.
-whenever I'm alone with you/ you make me feel like I am home again/ whenever I'm alone with you/ You make me feel like I am whole again/whenever I'm alone with you/ you make me feel like I am young again/ whenever I'm alone with you/ you make me feel like I am fun again/however far away, I will always love you/ however long I stay/ I will always love you/ what ever words I say, I will always love you... I will always love you-
I love that song so much. And I can't wait to be alone with my husband again.
I love the fact that he is in the military. But I can't say I am fond of the special events he has missed. The birth of our twins, Thanksgivings, Christmases, birthdays, anniversaries and just really good, happy days or difficult days for that matter. Regardless, I will always love him.

Today I was sooo sleepy. Work 8-12 after oversleeping by 45 minutes, we actually got kids off to all 3 schools & me to work on time. Grocery store, bank, post office, pick up girls, took Cici to dentist for spacers to be put into braces. Told insurance hasn't paid them for 3 months. Its after 5 when I get home and call insurance. They tell me that they have paid, give me check number, now I must call dentist office back again. I don't have time for this. Go pick up little ones from daycare. Make dinner, give kids baths, make sure homework is finished, do more laundry, more dishes, more sweeping up the massive mess the twins have made, more yelling "time for bed" to those who refuse to wind down. In other words, the normal routine day with maybe a few twists and turns. And after all of this and barely being able to keep my eyes open all day, now I am wound up.
I will attempt to fall into sleep's embrace
the finish line to this day's race
where dreams are far from commonplace
where my love and I are face to face
Only to wake before the dawn
And put my running shoes back on
to start again the marathon
while my love is gone, gone, gone
Tomorrow is going to be hard. It will be husband's last day on US soil. My last day of feeling he is relatively safe and close to home. The last day I can call him up after 5 and say "hey, you done for the day?" and have a conversation with him and let him talk to the kids. Today I am still feeling positive. Let's keep this train on it's track.

Quiet thoughts of titanium...

It's 11:32 PM and the house is completely quiet except for the tapping of the keys on my keyboard. I finally have all the kids in bed. I have said goodnight to husband on the phone. I had a pretty decent day except for again, the rain and a bit of a sore throat.
I danced with the princess, the bruiser, and the twins this evening, made a (frozen) family size lasagna for dinner, did the normal chores (if I see another load of laundry, I promise I'll jump into that void the missing socks always disappear into when they go in the dryer), puttered around on facebook, read a bit, watched some TV. The Princess played air guitar for me, banged her head and yelled "rock-n-roll" as she did it and the bruiser dressed her stuffed frog up in a bib and one of the twins' diapers. She and that frog, aptly named "Froggy" are inseparable. I actually have to buckle it into the carseat when I take her to daycare in the mornings and convince her he's safe before she'll leave him behind.
The girls got their homework done and off to their respective corners to do whatever 10 and 13 year olds do without their moms... Scary thought. :)
My thought for the evening is regarding my new wedding band. I went to visit the husband where he is currently stationed over the summer. And when I got there, his surprise gift to me was a new wedding band. Now, strange but true, my husband has a thing about constriction. He doesn't like jewelry, bandages, anything that encloses him... Is that a phobia? Surely it is... Anyway, he has never worn a ring. I didn't fuss about it. I want him comfortable. But the best part of the surprise was he got us MATCHING bands. They were titanium...
Now, this was a bit different than the gold & diamond set I normally wear. I don't wear lots of jewelry either. I am not a flashy person. And I love my titanium band. He said he thought it would be cool for us to have matching titanium bands because they were so durable.
Now, if you knew my husband, you'd know he sends me flowers. He buys me beautiful cards. We actually write letters to each other when he's home. He is a true romantic at heart. I took the romanticism in this whole scenario only as far as the matching bands.
I sat here staring at my new ring this evening. Truly admiring it in its simplistic beauty. I didn't know much about titanium. However, after researching it a little online, I found two basic facts that each site listed regarding the metal. It's strong. It is used to, for example, construct the space shuttle, in surgical implants, in deep water equipment. It is one of the strongest metals on the planet. And, its light weight as compared to other metals. I found no negative facts about titanium what so ever. And you know me. I had to think of it in terms of our marriage.
Durable, that's us. We've had our share of struggles but we have always stuck together and come out on top. It would take a pretty powerful force to pull us apart. We're pretty strong.
Comfortable, our love is effortless... I could love my husband if the sky was falling down around my head. It's so easy to be with him... I couldn't ask for a better friend.
Yes, titanium. I love my new band, my circle of strength and comfort. Thank you husband. I love you.

Destiny or a reminder from friends on yet another rainy day

Husband calls this morning to check on me. Says CNN reported our town to have one of the worst rainfalls on record... you ain't kiddin'...
I think I'm getting used to it. Just as I start to enjoy it, it'll go away. That's about my luck. :)
I appreciated his call so much. Nice to know he loves me that much just to see if I'm ok in the rain. I think he knows me better than I thought. The rain always does this to me. I am pretty emotional anyway...
Treated myself today to a movie. A really cheesy one, Sorority Row. I laughed out loud, screamed a couple of times, oohed and ahhed. I love scary movies. The best escape from reality. And with all those reactions, I guess you could say it was good. Not the movie, per se, just the little break away.
There's so much on my plate. Always is.
I enjoy facebook. Gives me an opportunity to chat briefly with friends of my choosing as opposed to the masses or just gives me a social outlet. I love my kids but it's nice to hear what adults have to say sometimes. And I mean outside of the work environment.
A friend got to go visit her hubby for his last few days in the US. I am so very happy for her. I was reminded by one of her posts about a little bracelet we all wore during last deployment. I dug it out, put it on, and will wear it til my hubby is home safely.
Another friend posted something to the effect of being "bored with it all", not "there's nothing to do bored, but what is the point bored" and I totally appreciated what she was saying. She went on to say how she wanted to do like Arnold Swartzenegger in that movie and buy a vacation and have it implanted in her brain just for the memories... I said I liked that idea... Her husband responded with "why don't we buy a babysitter and make our own memories" or something like that, and I said I liked that idea even better.
And then yet another friend posted the question, "if we started life at the end, would we do things differently"... I responded with "you wouldn't have had the experiences and life lessons you've lived through. But I kinda believe we are all where we are supposed to be when we are supposed to be there, so I don't think its possible to do things differently. Even so, you'd probably have the same outcome- if it was destined for the end of your path".
I don't know why I am recapping facebook info, but all of this has put me on a train of thought about destiny. I have had some reminders today thanks to facebook.
Husband's deployment- the bracelet. Am I supposed to be going through this? Is the outcome to love my husband even more? To appreciate and respect him even more than I already do? To instill pride in our family?
Memories and the point of it all- I have memories. I have lots of beautiful memories. But with all that's going on, I tend to dwell on the negative. I am now reminded that I should wake each day and list what I am grateful for. The good experiences I have had should be remembered and cherished every day. Though I may have a hard time now, I must remember that there are more memories to come. I just have to be patient and watch for them instead of blinding myself to everything else that's good in my life.
And finally, would I do things differently? I do believe I am where I am supposed to be. I believe I have gone through everything I have gone through in my life just to come to this point. To be in love with a wonderful man. To have been blessed with 6 beautiful, healthy children and a crazy dog that loves me regardless. To be employed when there are so many so much worse off than myself. I don't think it would be possible for my life to have turned out any other way.
I can sit and complain about the choices I've made, but I have to remember again, my blessings and just continue to love, learn and live. To be good and decent and to make my children happy and responsible and what is meant to be will be.
Let's hope I am this positive tomorrow...

Take care of my heart...

"take care of my heart"... that's what husband told me as I am crying on the phone with him last night. I try so hard to hold it together... But last night, hearing his voice made me so happy that it hurt. I am trying to relish these moments on the phone with him now. I know time is short for them. Soon, he will be leaving US soil. And it will be sporadic middle of the night calls. I can't just pick up the phone and call whenever I feel the need- which will be always. This is going to be so much harder than I thought.
Yes, I will take care of your heart, your heart, that beats in my chest, that misses you so much. I miss your smile, your laugh, your hand in mine, your smell, for goodness sakes! I am thinking of you and I love you more than you could know...

And still the rain falls...

Tomorrow will begin a new work week. Pasting on the smile, being around people. Good for me, I suppose. Strange thing is, I complain about this feeling of being alone, but I prefer it to the outside world right now. I am by no means a recluse, nor am I on my way to being one. I like to get out and do things. I especially enjoy the movies. I like the big screen, dark theatre, sound surrounding me, immersed in fantasy for just a couple of hours. Away from home, no interruptions, phone calls, chores calling me, etc. Just me and my chair, my popcorn and my coke...
Now that I think about it, that still makes me "alone", huh? :)
Ok, I occasionally go out to eat or to a movie with friends. I take the kids to the park, when the weather permits a couple times a week. We have a membership to a facility where we can exercise or swim and during the week, they will even watch the kids while you work out. My schedule is pretty busy with work and the kids so, I do what I can and I honestly enjoy that time out. And I like to stay busy, makes the time go by faster.
CiCi is going to her first dance, speaking of time going by fast. I feel so old but at the same time the kids keep me young. If that makes any sense. It's not fancy, regular school dress code. She's excited. Her first year of jr high and she's loving it.
Well, when husband gets home, I will have him to talk to, go to the movies with, go to comedy clubs, just enjoy. Makes facing the outside world so much easier when my better half is home. I just don't feel complete without him. I just have to make it through this time he's away and hope the days in between are a bit sunnier.
My dog can't even go outside because this rain wont stop. I think I need it to go away and come again another day. I think some time outdoors would do us all some good.

A new day, with more of the same

Well, it's still raining. The sound is comforting in a way, but it still makes me miss my husband even more. Normally, we'd have popcorn and some silly movie before we cuddled up in bed together. And I would have the most peaceful sleep. Now, I toss and turn. The bed feels way too big. I just can't find my comfort when he's gone.
We have six wonderful children, CiCi- 13, Elliebear- 10, the Princess- 4, Bruiser- 2, and the twins, Little Guy and Pinky- 17 months, who will be waking up just as I get settled in. I think they are dealing well with Dad's deployment. Princess and Bruiser don't seem to fully understand just yet. I tell them he's at work, protecting them and our country. Princess tells me she is proud of "Dada"- as he is known and I think she actually understands the concept of what she's saying.
I can't wait for this to be over. Not only for Dada, but for all of our men and women in uniform. It's gone on for far too long. This will be his second deployment to the middle east. And I am hoping his last.
I got to speak to him on the phone today. It was so good to hear my honey's voice. I was missing him something terrible. It is funny how the sound of his voice made me smile and feel warm but want to cry at the same time. Just because I knew the call would end and I would have to let go.
I tried to keep busy all day yesterday. Tons of laundry and chores to do. And with this rain and 6 stir crazy kids stuck in the house, it was overwhelming. But I have to do it, keep the body occupied and the mind will follow. I just wish we could go to the park or something.
Guess I will try to get a few more hours of sleep. Wish me luck!

Acceptance

I took on the role of a military wife, after 9/11. I had no idea what to expect. Now, after all the time away my husband has spent- away from me, away from our children, well, I still don't know what to expect. And I can't say I've gotten used to it. I constantly pray for his safety, no matter where he may be. I constantly pray that I can hold things together for our kids in his absence.
I've built a mental wall on our steady foundation, that I can lean on. It's constructed of pride in him, trust in our relationship, love for him and our children, and the knowledge that what he is doing is right and good. I lean against this wall, when I am tired, hurting, alone. I use it for support when I feel like falling down. It's a strong wall and I am constantly reinforcing it.
When he returns to me, when I have him in my arms. He will be my wall. And I will be his. Leaning on each other, through bad times and good.
For now, I will accept our sacrifices. I will accept the distance between us. I will accept the evil and chaos in the world that has caused this all to be. And I will accept my role as a military wife with great pride.

The Rainy Day

Today it rained. Today it poured.
And from my love, I am apart.
So all alone, I endured.
While it rained upon my heart.

I miss you, my dearest husband.
I am so proud of you!
I love you for who you are and all that you do.
I can't wait to hold you in my arms again.