Robot Mode... Commence Then Cease...

Today was my first official full day back at work. The morning went amazingly smooth. Got everyone off to school and me to work with time to spare. I did forget to take something for lunch so I had to eat at McDonald's. The traffic was so bad I was afraid I would be late back from lunch. Stupid Cowboy's tailgaters! They started at freakin' noon! The cowboys won their first "new stadium" game tonight. 21-7 against Carolina Panthers.
Today was productive at work. Sales weren't bad. Customers weren't bad. Day went by fairly quickly. I still have this stupid cough, which makes it hard to talk on the phone all day, but cough drops and a cup of ice water and I managed.
Got off at 4:30. Got home a bit before 5. Elliebear called me to let m know she made it home OK. CiCi got home a few minutes after I did. She said she took a different route and it took longer than she thought. One of the neighborhood streets by the library... I told her to stick to the main road and watch for traffic. I hate to have to worry about her walking home so far.
I gave Ellie back her cell phone today since she'll be walking home. Told her no calls to waste minutes unless an emergency. And to call me from home phone when gets here to let me know she's safe. Same for CiCi.
When I got home, I started my soup. It was very good, by the way. Added egg noodles, a can of green beans and a can of carrots and chicken broth with water. Made peanut butter sandwiches with it and we were good. I went to pick up the kids at 6. Came home, fed everyone, bathed little ones. Twins went right to bed. Princess and Bruiser, another story. Still trying to get them to sleep as we speak. It's freaking almost midnight. I literally cleaned the kitchen, did laundry, cleaned up after the kids and picked up toys, etc from the time I got home from work (with the exception of the drive to the daycare) til 9 PM, at which point I forced myself to take a break. I am so tired.
I think I am going to take the vacation day and go to the fair. I have to keep my spirits up. I think if I am all work no play I will be a real bitch. JoBeth's Halloween party is on Oct 17Th. I so wish hubby could go with me again. I think I am going to wear the black "plastic" dress and buy some fangs and go vampire this year. Guess I can trust the girls for a couple of hours with the kids, especially if I can get them in bed before I leave.
Dawn Shulz (formerly Casler, who had the baby, the brunette- if you are reading this honey) said to tell you she asked about you and hello. Oh and if you remember Abbie, the manager... her 26 year old son died over the weekend from an asthma attack.
I must say I feel a bit better than I did yesterday. I did get an email from hubby today while at work. A phone call too, but I was on with a customer so I couldn't answer it. Did get a voicemail so I could technically say I heard honey's voice today but it just is not the same.
I will say as stated in a previous blog... I like numb better than sad or hurt or mad or any of those if I must choose. It makes it much easier for me to deal with this harsh reality. I did really well all day long of being partially oblivious to what was going on. Went into "robot mode", as I call it. Robot mode- ENGAGE! :) Got some stuff done. Didn't think about how tired I was or how much I hated doing it. Be it work or chores... Just did it and I was fine. Once I relaxed... It all changed. I whipped out that old color blue again. I was on facebook with some of the other wives chatting. About plans for the fair and also a separate chat session with one of them who gave me some information that, well... the timing was just impeccable for it. Not only that... I got a text from MM saying she signed up her boys for basketball and found cheer leading in Arlington for a reasonable rate. Hubby just told me in an email today to find out about a program for Elliebear to do cheer leading or something. The other wife, JW, told me about a website where they help military children get involved in extracurricular activities and will assist up to 500.00 for a program. Now what are the odds of that happening? Info that may be blessings from 2 sources on the day it was discussed. It just overwhelmed me, especially when I saw the info about the assistance. She also gave me a website for info on childcare assistance. So the tears came. Robot mode- DISENGAGE! :) It was just nice to feel some kind of relief about something. Not sadness or loneliness. Not frustration or anger. And I haven't checked out the info yet from either source to verify, but it was nice to just have good news...
And then, still while chatting, poor MM... Said she didn't think she could go to the fair and made the comment "I should know better than to think I can have a life" or something like that... And it just broke my heart... She said," it was just a stark reminder that she couldn't depend on anyone but herself"...
If only she knew how much I could relate. I thought about how not too long ago, after this deployment first started, hubby told me 'it was me and him against the world.' I don't or try not to consciously think things like,"I can't have a life". I don't want to resent my children. I just have to find other outlets. If I must do something while they are in school, so be it. It's worth it for my sanity. But I can also say, OK. I have these 6 sour lemons, let me add some vodka and make myself happy... :) Just kidding, we'll stick with lemonade. We go to the park. We go to McDonald's play land. We rent a movie or all go to one if necessary. We play the Wii. We play Guitar Hero. We walk the mall and ride that stupid carousel. I refuse to say I don't have a life. I chose those little monsters over being able to go out and party. And I genuinely find joy in their happiness. I love them dearly and I wouldn't change my life for the world. Sure I'd love to be able to, at the drop of a hat, spend time with my husband. I miss being able to go out and shoot pool with him. Go to a movie or out to eat- without seats for 8. Sure I'd love to go out with friends without feeling guilty the whole time that I have pawned my kids off on someone, just so I can have some fun. It's so hard for me to ask for help.
I can't dwell on things like that. It just isn't healthy. Think I learned that at Baylor last summer. :) I am still a work in progress. Never said I was perfect. But I am working on it, damn it! :)
So Robot mode works well for me. Just have to do it. Wind up and do it.
Oh and by the end of this blog... we have sleepage for all the kids. Time for Mommie to power down for the evening...