Stop this crazy thing! I want off!

Today I wandered through the strangest emotional amusement park. I saw the sites and rode the rides. And it's about as close to the state fair as I may get... I was on this roller coaster today that I hate. No robot mode, no numb, and we went from a very pale to a very deep shade of blue...
It all started off well enough. I got up, got everyone ready for school. No problems. We made it in plenty of time. That fortunately has been the norm, so far. Got to work and unfortunately wasn't having the best sales day. I have had some decent days lately. But today, I ended with 35.00 in revenue. That isn't even a drop of food coloring in the cake.
The absolute highlight of my day was talking to the husband for about 45 minutes while on my lunch break. That was the longest conversation we have had since he's been gone. And I was totally happy. Regardless of the shitty sales and the crabby customers. Regardless of all the financial concerns I may have. Regardless of the worrying about Ellie and Cici getting home from school with them walking now. I scheduled Oct 1, this Thursday as a vacation day so I could go to the fair with a group of Seabee wives. Been looking forward to it. New faces, adult faces... people who could semi-relate to what I may be going through... Nothing was going to bring me down, until...
Micheal Thompson, the attendance manager had a meeting with me. Buckle up. We are about to go through some twists and turns on this ride. And get your paint brushes ready for that darker shade of blue... He tells me that since FMLA and disability run concurrently, and I "exhausted my 480 hours of FMLA" as of 08-17-09, all other hours I missed, including my half days were considered an occurence, even though they were covered under disability. Since disability doesn't protect your attendance, I got put on a 6 month step of discipline called a PN... Performance Notice. Basically means if I am late or call in even once between now and 03-29-09, I will go to the next step of discipline which can lead up to dismissal! Well, that did it. All those human feelings I had been trying so hard to harness into a little box came flooding out. I held it together til after the meeting, but once I left his office, there went the waterworks.
Six months of on time and every day! What if the kids get sick? What if there's traffic? What if I have car trouble? What if, what if, what if? It's a lot to shoulder right now. Six months is a long time. It just made me do the math on how long hubby will be gone. It's a long time.
So my afternoon was ruined. That cloud I was on dissapated and turned to mist. And I was falling. I don't know if anyone has ever claimed to be able to feel gravity before but I certainly do. That plummet was so unexpected and so unneeded at this moment, I can't even explain it to anyone. It made my day heavy. It made my head feel heavy. It made my heart feel heavy. As though all the force of gravity in the universe was solely focused on me. I couldn't pull myself up from it.
So I let the tears come. I did my job to the best of my ability. Hopefully I can turn on robot mode again tomorrow and get through the day or at least be numb about it. Again, anything is better than blue...
I did go to base today after work. Still trying to work on Christmas. Found out the Star card promo was actually no interest til Feb but no payments for 3 months. So, I was bummed out about that. I did get CiCi a Nintendo DSi. That is the new version that has the camera built in. Instead of getting her a digital camera and replacing the Nintendo that Bruiser and Princess broke, she kinda has both built into one. They only had one left. So I will have to check back again or, better yet, decide if I think Ellie is responsible enough for a new one. Hers has been destroyed too by her little sisters. If they get any more in, I may get her one later. But the no pay/no interest is only through 10-01-09 so I am glad I found that one today. I got there just before closing so I didn't get to go to the other little store to look at the toys. I just found out that they had them there today and it was too late. So I may not have to order from the catalog after all. I am going to attempt to check it out tomorrow after work again.
Ellie had a good day. She was super talkative when I got home. Cici slept all night. I guess that walk in the afternoon is kicking her butt. I brought home fried chicken, mashed potatoes and fried okra for dinner. Didn't feel like cooking. I decided I am not doing anything tonight. I just don't feel like it. No laundry, no chores... nothing... I just want to sink into the nothingness for a while. I am just going to let gravity pull me down into a deep sleep and hope that I can feel a bit lighter in the morning...
It's times like these I need my husband to be a total goof about something that is truly bothering me so that I can see how much I make mountains out of molehills... Sometimes that works... Right now, it wouldn't hurt for him to try. My eyes hurt. They are tired. And so is my body. Muscle relaxers, here I come! Tomorrow I will cancel my vacation day for Thursday and I have told the ladies I am not going to the fair. They say they may go again on Saturday but I just don't know right now if I will be in the mood. Gotta save the vacation days for emergencies now... No fun stuff for me!
Bruiser has been singing all night... "Na na na na, na na na na, hey hey hey, goodbye" and it's so cute. Last week it was "twinkle twinkle little star". But right now I am getting really frustrated because she won't go to bed. Defiant is not cute right now. And the princess has been hitting bruiser and the twins all evening. I don't know what her deal is. I am so sleepy and so tired right now. So I guess I will see where the next turn on this thing takes me tomorrow...